Something

I'm having a really hard time sitting still. I want to move. I want to be out of here doing other things that are different and exciting and meaningful. I alternate between staring off into space and forgetting what in the hell I was just doing. Why am I in the kitchen? What was I needing to do in the kitchen? I interrupted myself three times while putting away laundry. Apparently I really needed to reconcile my bank account, freshen up the flower arrangement and eat an apple.
Then, sometimes, things are very beautiful and peaceful. I saw my bedroom like I had never seen it before. It was so calm and serene and quiet and welcoming. So I fell asleep at 6pm.
This is insane, putting off grieving until fucking Thursday. At that point it will be over two weeks since my dad died. It's not normal. I just need to get through two days of work with some appearance of normalcy.
I want to move to Lasqueti and just... live there. I want to cut the lawn and re-roof the house and split firewood and reno the interior and plant a vegetable garden. One of the steps on the front staircase is loose and needs to be fixed. The house needs to be painted. I could learn carpentry and re-do the stairs by the side of the house. I'm not so bold as to pretend to be able to operate the backhoe. I probably wouldn't ride the Honda step-through, but I will ride his bicycle. The cats would be happy that I was there. There a lot of movies to watch.
Should I do it? What's important? Two months ago I had a conversation with my parents about moving up there to try and write a book.
I could do it. I can't stand the thought of the house being idle this soon. It's like abandoning my father or something. I regret not taking more interest in learning how everything works up there. I know that, at some point, my dad gave up showing me how to run things because I didn't show enough enthusiasm and because I only came up once a year. Christ, I thought I had a lot more years to learn how everything worked. I can do it though. I've been able to do everything I've ever set out to do.
I don't know what I'm doing. I wish I had more money and time and then I could go up there and make my peace with everything and take the time to make Lasqueti as beautiful as it could be. I wish someone could go up there with me for a year to set everything straight, cause I don't think I can do it all alone.
My mom and I went through some of my dad's mementos today and I came away with some things, but it was kind of empty. My dad didn't live in South Surrey, he lived at Lasqueti. There are a million things there that he used daily that are so much more meaningful. His clothes in Surrey don't really smell like him.