Had a bad day. I tried to be all jokey about stuff today, but last 
night I didn't get a good night's sleep and I cried until about 12:30 or so. I was just right out of it today. Absolutely exhausted. I had a hard time putting one foot in front of the other. I'm stressed on a lot of fronts and I need a couple of days to relax and calm down, but it's not going to be this weekend, unfortunately.
It's weird, how it's all just waiting there, right under the surface.
I'm welling up as I write this stupid blog. I just cannot, cannot believe my father is dead. There's a really LARGE DISCONNECT between him handing me a tuna sandwich on the porch at Lasqueti in June and debating with me about the situation in Afghanistan before hopping back on the ride on and 
mowing the lawn, and him not being here. It's really, really fucking hard to take. It's really unfair. There was no segue way. There was no lead time. There was no languishing or being ill or being unwell, there was just boom! your dad died.
So what do you do? You just don't think about it. I was making dinner last night and I wasn't sure if I was supposed to leave the oven door open when I was broiling the meat and I couldn't get through to my mom so I thought, "I'll call dad: he'll know".
The day Michael and his mom told me that my dad had passed away I kept praying it was a nightmare. I have so many nightmares that I wake from thinking "oh thank Jesus - that was just a dream: it was so real" that I put a lot of weight on thinking that maybe this was just a bad, bad dream.
It's been a month and I just want to wake the fuck up.
night I didn't get a good night's sleep and I cried until about 12:30 or so. I was just right out of it today. Absolutely exhausted. I had a hard time putting one foot in front of the other. I'm stressed on a lot of fronts and I need a couple of days to relax and calm down, but it's not going to be this weekend, unfortunately.It's weird, how it's all just waiting there, right under the surface.
I'm welling up as I write this stupid blog. I just cannot, cannot believe my father is dead. There's a really LARGE DISCONNECT between him handing me a tuna sandwich on the porch at Lasqueti in June and debating with me about the situation in Afghanistan before hopping back on the ride on and 
mowing the lawn, and him not being here. It's really, really fucking hard to take. It's really unfair. There was no segue way. There was no lead time. There was no languishing or being ill or being unwell, there was just boom! your dad died.So what do you do? You just don't think about it. I was making dinner last night and I wasn't sure if I was supposed to leave the oven door open when I was broiling the meat and I couldn't get through to my mom so I thought, "I'll call dad: he'll know".
The day Michael and his mom told me that my dad had passed away I kept praying it was a nightmare. I have so many nightmares that I wake from thinking "oh thank Jesus - that was just a dream: it was so real" that I put a lot of weight on thinking that maybe this was just a bad, bad dream.
It's been a month and I just want to wake the fuck up.
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