A bunch of stuff happened, and now it's Sunday night. I will impart further details as to what the majority of the "stuff" was, but at a later date, because it's ongoing.
Woke up in a pool of my own sweat (which I find so much more pallatible to waking up in, say, a pool of my own urine) with what felt like knives in my throat on Friday morning. This is the price one pays for cheerily chirping, "I can't believe I haven't caught your cold!" on Thursday. Was in bed til close to noon on Friday.
Saturday my mom and brother came to visit me for a late lunch. Was feeling pretty good, but tired and my ears are irritatingly plugged so I've been screaming "What?" at people all weekend. Tried to go to bed early Saturday night, but got into this big Soduko debacle... whatever.
Didn't feel like running Sunday morning, but the mileage is starting to get high and fuck me if I'm going to run 27 kilometres on my own. Dragged my ass down there. We ran up to the Seymour Demonstration Park which was ripe with snow. Which I fell in. I think there was a moment there, where I was blinded by the sun being reflected from the snow into my eyes, while I ran down some ridiculously narrow trail carved into the snow whilst feverntly concentrating on not falling, that I thought, "what the shit am I doing?". Then I fell into a snowbank, got my hands covered in PowerGel (which I adeptly cleansed with snow), almost bit it on on some ice on the road getting out of the park and just had to look around me at my fellow runners, at the sun, at the comraderie, at the brilliant morning and I felt good. Got back to the store in good time, skimped on the planks and happy feet and napped for three hours. Hey, you run 27 kilometres and tell me how exuberant YOU feel.
Woke up, had a really light-hearted conversation about religion with Big D. Yeah. A topic that is definitely easy to wrap up in half an hour. A conversation that is so easy to answer. I dunno. It's one of those ones that can go into the wee hours of the morning. Long story short: I'm happy if you've found religion: but don't push it on me. And if your religion exludes people (gays, women, whatever), then you really need to take a second look at it. There's enough exclusion and hatred and warring in the world as it is; of all things, religion shouldn't serve to foster this.
Then C came and I finally got to have a ride in his huge truck. There was a handle to help you lever yourself into the passenger seat. I almost fell out of the truck trying to close the door. Awesome. We went to Tantra, but the heavy eye makeup and breasts were not as predominately displayed as I had hoped. I felt that I had disappointed. There was a table of middle aged Asian women drinking beer. One of the weirder things I've ever seen. We talked of many things.
Overall, I was left with the feeling that everyone is getting on with it. JupiterGirl is engaged. S just gave birth to her second child. C will likely get engaged this year - maybe in the next couple of weeks. My brother moved in with his girlfriend. And it's good. It's all fantastic. But there's a certain amount of compromise involved in all of it. The compromise aspect is something that I've been trying to overcome for a while now. I don't know what it is about my personality, but I seem to gamble a lot. I want to try different things. I want people to support me through my different gambols and to allow me to return when I'm done searching. I'm not entirely sure what I'm searching for. I'm asking for too much, I suppose. Likely the point is that we're not ever 100% about anything, and when you achieve 80% on some particular thing, you should stick with it. That's likely apt advice. But it's that 20% that I wonder about. It's that 20% that makes me want to quit my job and drive across Canada, backpack through Europe, quit my job to try and write a novel, take on a lover, compete in the Ironman. I get it. I get that I'm an idiot to think that everyone isn't having these exact same thoughts.
Ah. So what? So what. Part of me is still restless and looking for adventure. I'm sure a lot of people can make the same claim. Yeah. We'll see. It's all a compromise.
What did you give up to get to where you are right now, and was it worth it?
Woke up in a pool of my own sweat (which I find so much more pallatible to waking up in, say, a pool of my own urine) with what felt like knives in my throat on Friday morning. This is the price one pays for cheerily chirping, "I can't believe I haven't caught your cold!" on Thursday. Was in bed til close to noon on Friday.
Saturday my mom and brother came to visit me for a late lunch. Was feeling pretty good, but tired and my ears are irritatingly plugged so I've been screaming "What?" at people all weekend. Tried to go to bed early Saturday night, but got into this big Soduko debacle... whatever.
Didn't feel like running Sunday morning, but the mileage is starting to get high and fuck me if I'm going to run 27 kilometres on my own. Dragged my ass down there. We ran up to the Seymour Demonstration Park which was ripe with snow. Which I fell in. I think there was a moment there, where I was blinded by the sun being reflected from the snow into my eyes, while I ran down some ridiculously narrow trail carved into the snow whilst feverntly concentrating on not falling, that I thought, "what the shit am I doing?". Then I fell into a snowbank, got my hands covered in PowerGel (which I adeptly cleansed with snow), almost bit it on on some ice on the road getting out of the park and just had to look around me at my fellow runners, at the sun, at the comraderie, at the brilliant morning and I felt good. Got back to the store in good time, skimped on the planks and happy feet and napped for three hours. Hey, you run 27 kilometres and tell me how exuberant YOU feel.
Woke up, had a really light-hearted conversation about religion with Big D. Yeah. A topic that is definitely easy to wrap up in half an hour. A conversation that is so easy to answer. I dunno. It's one of those ones that can go into the wee hours of the morning. Long story short: I'm happy if you've found religion: but don't push it on me. And if your religion exludes people (gays, women, whatever), then you really need to take a second look at it. There's enough exclusion and hatred and warring in the world as it is; of all things, religion shouldn't serve to foster this.
Then C came and I finally got to have a ride in his huge truck. There was a handle to help you lever yourself into the passenger seat. I almost fell out of the truck trying to close the door. Awesome. We went to Tantra, but the heavy eye makeup and breasts were not as predominately displayed as I had hoped. I felt that I had disappointed. There was a table of middle aged Asian women drinking beer. One of the weirder things I've ever seen. We talked of many things.
Overall, I was left with the feeling that everyone is getting on with it. JupiterGirl is engaged. S just gave birth to her second child. C will likely get engaged this year - maybe in the next couple of weeks. My brother moved in with his girlfriend. And it's good. It's all fantastic. But there's a certain amount of compromise involved in all of it. The compromise aspect is something that I've been trying to overcome for a while now. I don't know what it is about my personality, but I seem to gamble a lot. I want to try different things. I want people to support me through my different gambols and to allow me to return when I'm done searching. I'm not entirely sure what I'm searching for. I'm asking for too much, I suppose. Likely the point is that we're not ever 100% about anything, and when you achieve 80% on some particular thing, you should stick with it. That's likely apt advice. But it's that 20% that I wonder about. It's that 20% that makes me want to quit my job and drive across Canada, backpack through Europe, quit my job to try and write a novel, take on a lover, compete in the Ironman. I get it. I get that I'm an idiot to think that everyone isn't having these exact same thoughts.
Ah. So what? So what. Part of me is still restless and looking for adventure. I'm sure a lot of people can make the same claim. Yeah. We'll see. It's all a compromise.
What did you give up to get to where you are right now, and was it worth it?
2 comments:
You can never know what you gave up to get where you are. Whatever you gave up may have blossomed into a wondrous thing but then again, it may have dragged you down into a pit of shit. I just keep breathing and look at all the images that fill my gaze. None of this shit is real anyway. One day, I'll be gasping for air with the realization that these are my last few breaths and I won't remember all the things that could have or should have been. I'll just want a little bit more of what I had.
Well put and thanks for the insight. The now is where it's at. It's here. It's in the here and now.
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