Happiness?

I don't seem happy. I do not strike people as being happy. This is because I don't often vocalize my happiness. I don't do this for a myriad of reasons: people would think me odd if, after 31 years, I started to wax poetic about all the wonderful things I encounter in a day; it's easier to complain; if it is roundly noticed that you are particularly happy about something, a bad event will occur to bring you back to reality. Also, when I'm excited and argumentative? I'm happy. Also? Happiness is relative. I'm laden with guilt over everything that has been awarded to me (versus being achieved by me) when I am reminded daily of the suffering in my immediate proximity and overall. Here is a perfect example illustrating many of these points:
A couple of years ago when Michael and I were still living together we went to Toronto on a vacation. I had a fantastic time (I was really happy and have the 'newsletter' to prove it - remind me to give you a copy) and it was one of the best vacations I've ever had. One day Michael went off and did something and I went shopping at this huge mall there - Eaton Centre I think it's called. I'm not overly materialistic, but I was on vacation and I had noticed that they dress a little more fashionably in Toronto than they do here, so I thought I would pick up some stuff. I went shopping and probably dropped $500-$600 (I still wear everything that I bought that day, just so you know). Anyways, as I was walking back to our hotel with my bags of stuff that I really loved but didn't really need (if you know what I mean by need) I came across a homeless guy and he said, "Can you spare some change?". And me, with my bags of shirts and pants and my new purse and jewellery said, "No." I don't know if I will ever forget that.
I sometimes lie awake in near agony about the things that I have (more specifically the relationships) and I worry about how they will be taken from me. I cannot even put to words the things that I fear might happen to the people that I love. I realize it's hard to draw the parallel between that statement and my level of happiness, but somehow they're inextricably linked.
So. Happiness. Am I happy? I have no idea. I have been pondering that question for the last hour. I have a lot. There are also a lot of things that make me unhappy. The good things outweigh the bad things, therefore I must be happy.
I do have a lot of fun and I do laugh a lot, but I guess I must do it mostly when no one is looking. Though I do believe there is some photographic evidence of me being happy with a green duck somewhere on this blog.
The green duck is a crutch. I must learn to exhibit signs of happiness without the aid of the green duck.
I love you all. You make me IMMEASURABLY happy!