The thing about being a frigid bitch...

... is that, pretty much, you end up alone. Holy fack, my blogging spree was just interrupted by someone's screeching fan belt. If your fan belt sounds like 94 cats being skinned alive you need to: a) change that motherfucker; or b) don't drive.
Where was I? Right, being a frigid bitch. Here are some of the things that I do to alienate myself from the rest of civilization:

• when people call me and ask me how I am I say, "fine, how are you?" and then turn the conversation to them and avoid answering all except the most topical questions


• I don't touch people (unless I'm drunk or am being violent). Today I poked A in the chest because he was riding my ass about not coming out for lunch with him


• I don't lunch with my coworkers often enough


• I avoid eye contact 90% of the time with 87% of the people I know


• all the men that I want to marry are married. I'm not sure how this has alienated me, exactly, but I bet that if I had been less of a stand-offish and difficult bitch during my twenties I might have met a nice bloke that wanted to marry me by this point in my sordid and lonely existence


• I'm far too argumentative, excitable and independent and most guys just want a girl who is easy on the head instead of someone that phones drunkenly from random locations demanding to be picked up and rails how the world would be better if it was run by women (it so fucking would, though)


• a lot of people are scared that I might punch them. And they ought to be.


• I walk like a man. Seriously, my mom told me this once because I take great, big, determined strides whenever I'm out walking and I guess if I had minced about more and allowed some guy to throw his jacket in a puddle for me to step on then said man would be allowed to feel as though he had been allowed to take care of me in some gentle way and then I would be with a man who would have protective urges towards me which would likely enrage me 90% of the time except on days like today when I want to be pandered to and loved


• I'm really, really fucking hard on the head and temperamental and quite assholistic, but have these amazingly deep streaks of romanticism and passion that people aren't aware of because they're too busy ducking the plates that I'm lobbing at their heads while I rail about the Bush administration and Bill C-51. FUCK BILL C-51!!


• I'm too political


• I have a potty mouth

Okay. I get why I'm alone now. Maybe if I wore skirts more often it would help. It's just that it's too hard to take the stairs two at a time in a skirt. Ever tried to kick someone in the nuts in a skirt? Difficult. Ahh.... I'm such a fucking loser.