A retrospective

Here is a post from my old blog at about this time last year:
"Happy birthday to ME! I am so excited that I will now be able to say that yes, I was still finalizing my post secondary education in my thirties. Super. I’ve never really been into the whole five year planning thing; the only major goals in my life would be to own a house at some point, replete with dog and husband. Oh, and I want to retire at 55. So when I ask myself the question “where did I envision myself at 30?” I really can’t say that I had any specific ideas, only vague generalities. I never thought “oh, I want to be the controller of a multi-national petroleum corporation” because well, petroleum corporations are bastards and also because I must admit to a certain laissez-faire attitude in regards to my career path.
I am a bit surprised that I am still going to school (though – fingers crossed – I will be done in less than two weeks); I would’ve thought that a) I would never return after the social rejection and humiliation that was high school or b) I would’ve completed what I felt was necessary before the ripe old age of 30. However you live and learn. You enroll in the CGA, bite off more than you can chew, fail horrifically and then cower in a corner for a few more years gaining the confidence to try it again.
Kids never entered into the picture. I never daydreamed about myself with a family as evidenced by my surgery earlier this year. So I guess I did a good job of not having kids at thirty… yeah, quite an accomplishment.
The housing situation. What can I say? If you live in Vancouver then you know my predicament. Houses in my neck of the woods start (for a beater) at half a million. I’d wager a guess that the average house price in Kerrisdale is $800,000. I don’t have $800,000. Apparently a lot of people do, so I just need to discover where they hang out on the weekends and infiltrate them. This would segue nicely into the relationship topic of my life. See, should I meet someone that can afford an $800,000 house and that also finds me tremendously witty and attractive (and really, who wouldn’t) and thinks that my ragings against the Bush administration, the way the Canadian government is failing the environment, and my liberal views on gay marriage, the legalization of marijuana and prostitution are quirky and genuine, and wants to make me Mrs. Crème de la Crème, then I suppose I would have solved both the housing and marriage shortcomings.
As it stands, today, at 30, I am wrapping up my two year accounting diploma which took me six years to complete. I work three days a week. I live alone in rented accommodations, and my nose is too big.
On the plus side: I’m wrapping up my lengthy education! I only work three days a week! I can drink milk straight from the carton (well, I always did that) and leave the toilet seat up! I guess I just have to work on the nose thing.
Oh happiest of happies."
So that was a year ago. I actually can't believe that it was so long ago that I sat at a table with a ton of my friends at Mahoney's at UBC. I still remember what a hassle parking was!
I'm not sure how to recap this year, but I will try nonetheless. First, thanks to all my friends who have been there over the past year watching me struggle, fail, succeed and ultimately grow. I'm not done growing yet (as my bathroom scale likes to tell me) and I'm sure there are many more trials and tribulations to come and I am incredibly grateful for the non-judgemental nature of my friends, their willingness to always lend an ear and prop me up when I'm in the doldrums. So thank you: you all mean the world to me. I am flattered to have the interesting, diverse and exciting friends that I have found in you. I love you guys, sniff.
Next: the condo. How weird was that? I didn't see that coming, but it was very timely (then again, when is a nice piece of real estate ever untimely?). I am happy here, though I am a bit further away from people than I would like. But I like to think that we are at the point where we are all such good friends that a mere change in geography will not diminish our friendship. My door is always open to you, and my (gigantic!) couch is readily available for crashing on.
I had no idea that I would run a marathon in 2007. Or qualify for Boston. That was fucking awesome. 3:39, baby. I have never done so many runs with a hangover as I did this year. I love running... and I love wine. Apparently there is a marathon in France that combines the two. Who's with me?
I've tried to become a better person over the past year. I volunteered, got in good shape, got rid of cable and spent a lot of time alone, getting to know myself. The two issues that came up repeatedly were my inability to sit still, and my lack of self esteem. I always felt the need to be moving towards something instead of simply being. I am very aware of that now and I'm working on being more in the "here and now". It'll take some doing. I am grateful to Typewriter for helping me to see this: life is infinitely more enjoyable if you... simply enjoy it. I'm not sure where the self esteem issue is routed. I went to a therapist earlier in the year to try and understand it, but over the last couple of days I've started to understand that it's irrelevant. It may or may not be based on some issue from my past. I think it might just be routed in my perception of myself. For this past year my friends have often said many kind and supportive things to me, rattling off a litany of assets when I was lamenting about some banal relationship situation. They didn't know they were talking to a brick wall. Then yesterday, for some reason, something clicked. I thought, "I'm tired of feeling bad and inadequate, because I'm not". I started to notice things like my posture - I never noticed that I don't keep my head up when I walk. Nor do I seem adept with the whole "eye contact" scenario. And I couldn't find a good reason why I should walk downcast and hunched over. So, um, I'm not going to do that anymore. I feel giddy with power.
Okay. So I've come a long way, but I know I've still got a long way to go. I have an excellent base from which to start. I am happy. I know that having a positive outlook opens the door for positive things to come into your life. So I should like this upcoming year to be one that is positive, confident and in the here and now.
And yes, my nose is big.
I'm okay with that.